‘Desert Trip’ festival may have the Stones, the Who and Bob Dylan on the bill, but it’s a rip-off at $1,500

JEFFREY R. STAAB/CBS

Bob Dylan will be at the Desert Trip ripoff fest. As he said in his last relevant song, “Lot of water under the bridge. Lot of other stuff, too.” Desert Trip is the toxic stuff at the bottom of that muddy river.

Three days of cheese, money, grub and music.

To paraphrase that old Woodstock slogan, that’s my take on “Desert Trip,” the three-day Coachella-esque festival featuring The Who, the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Neil Young and others who have not made a relevant contribution to world culture in 20 years (or 30 for the Stones and 40 for The Who).

Tickets went on sale at 1 p.m. Eastern time. They aren’t merely expensive. They are outrageous.

Like Woodstock, Desert Trip comprises three days. Unlike Woodstock, whose tickets were $18 (the vast majority of which were never even collected), Desert Trip's Oct. 9-11 tickets start at $399 (roughly three times the Woodstock price, in current dollars).

ELISE AMENDOLA/AP

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones will appear at “Desert Trip” — which you can attend for a small sum of $399.

MCCARTNEY, THE WHO, THE STONES SET TO PERFORM MEGA-FESTIVAL

But that’s just to get in. If you want a reserved seat, you’ll spend $1,599. It’s another $99 if you want to camp on site (BYOT, of course). And it’s $499 if you want food. And seconds after the tickets started selling, the organizers cashed in again, announcing a second weekend, Oct. 14-16.

My friends at Quartz did a great breakdown of all the fees and hidden costs of Desert Trip, but the online wags left out the biggest expense of this unmagical history bore: It is going to suck. And you can't make the argument that Desert Trip will introduce a new generation to the greatest pop music ever made — because it's too expensive for Millennials to afford!

THEO WARGO/GETTY IMAGES

Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend of The Who will be making their way to overcharge you at the festival in California in October as well.

Full disclosure: I own every Rolling Stone, Who, Bob Dylan and Neil Young record, even the lousy ones. Those four acts, plus Paul McCartney, who will perform on the second night of the festival, define the music I grew up with. Those bands all helped me make sense of being a hormonally raging teenager watching the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes, a confused college student using ideas as my maps, a young professional throwing the bums a dime in my prime, a guy in his 30s admitting that however much I booze, there ain't no way out, and even a guy in his 40s feeling like a Cutlass Supreme in the wrong lane trying to turn against the flow. Someday, many years from now, I might even get to 64 - and, yes, I’ll want someone to send me a Valentine, birthday greeting, bottle of wine.

So clearly, I’m the target audience for Desert Trip. I’m the guy who should be plunking down $1,500 on, as a still-vibrant rocker once said, a last chance power drive to see my heroes in action for what will likely be the final time.

Sorry, but I’m not a Baby Boomer. I'm not a cultural hermit seeking to hermetically insulate myself in a bubble of nostalgia and ignorance. As Pete Townshend himself said, “Drinks flow. People forget.”

GARY WIEPERT/AP

Paul McCartney is also on the “Desert Trip” bill.

I 

still listen to Bob Dylan, the Who, the Stones and especially Neil Young every day. Their music takes me back to who I was years ago. But I’m not that guy anymore, so why would I pay $1,500 in an effort — likely a vain one, given the waning skills of the musicians on the bill — to live in the past?

I didn’t go to Woodstock — my mom said I was too young and, given that I was 4, she was probably right — but those three days of mud in Bethel, N.Y. became “Woodstock.” It wasn’t just the great lineup; Woodstock was great because its great artists were in their prime sharing their current insights. Desert Trip is a nostalgia trip with a high price tag and diminishing returns.

As Bob Dylan said in his last relevant song, “Lot of water under the bridge. Lot of other stuff, too.” This "Oldchella" is the toxic stuff at the bottom of that muddy river.

Yes, I’m still a miner for a heart of gold. I still burn like a red coal carpet. I still have my kit bag, my heavy boots and I’m running in the rain 'til my feet are raw.

But I also know that "he not busy being born is busy dying." Or getting ripped off.