The Bachelorette recap, Episode 5: IS JOJO HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?!!?!?

After two weeks off, The Bachelorette returned with a trip to Uruguay. In Uruguay, JoJo and her suitors go sandboarding. Please enjoy this clip of sandboarding from The Bachelorette, which is completely unedited and in no way spliced with the video from Dank-Ass Sandboarding Son, the greatest cinematographical achievement of all time.

Nice job by Chris Harrison running the speedometer, although I do think he was a bit overdressed for the desert.

(I published this recap a legit hour later than I had previously expected because I spent about 15 minutes rewatching "Dank-Ass Sandboarding Son" on repeat and laughing hysterically, 30 minutes making "Dank-Ass Bachelorette Sandboarding Son," and then about another 15 minutes watching "Dank-Ass Bachelorette Sandboarding Son" on repeat and laughing hysterically. I don't regret a minute.)

The most interesting storyline of this week's episode revolved around a magazine article interviewing JoJo's ex-boyfriend Chad, who claims JoJo loved him throughout her entire season of The Bachelor and that she's only going on TV for fame. The guys on the show somehow find this article and start to doubt JoJo's true intentions.

The best part of the whole incident is the way JoJo finds out about it:

JOJO: "I just feel so happy. I don't think anything could take away this feeling!"

PRODUCER: "YOOOOOOO I HAVE SOMETHING TO TAKE AWAY THAT FEELING GET READY TO CRY Y'ALL WOOOOO WE BOUT TO FILM SOME TEARS"

The producers of the show literally shove sadness into JoJo's face. It seems like a microcosm for the whole storyline, to be honest.

The justification for the guys finding the magazine is kinda ridiculous. I don't generally claim to speak for all men, but I have never read In Touch magazine, and I doubt most men have. It's a gossip rag that's not marketed for men or intended for men. Vinny, a barber, has apparently set up a barber shop for his castmates while they're on the road in Uruguay.

Vinny is asked "why he's keeping these rumor mags in his shop," to which he replies "guys love gossip!" which makes everybody laugh.

I could understand the concept of Vinny cutting his friends' hair. Guys who are good at cutting hair like to cut their buddies' hair sometimes. I mean, it's weird if your job is a barber -- I doubt Evan the erectile dysfunction specialist was checking out everybody's vas deferens to make sure everything was a-okay -- but still, this is plausible.

I'm not sure I buy the idea that he brought magazines as reading material to simulate the barber shop experience. Barber shop magazines exist solely because they were the best way to pass time while waiting for a haircut before smartphones were invented. Now they're kinda irrelevant. Especially if you're cutting your friends' hair: you're probably not going to need to find reading material if the haircutting is really just a supplement to hanging out with your friends. It would be strange if Vinny brought any magazines, it would be stranger if he specifically brought In Touch magazine, it would be strangest if he specifically brought the issue of In Touch magazine that had scandalous details about the woman he's wooing on a show.

The interview makes for some drama in a somewhat uneventful episode. But it also reminds us of something The Bachelor's producers love to remind us: That out in the world, people are talking about The Bachelor. We are shown Chris Harrison swooping in on an unsuspecting Bachelor watch party, we are repeatedly reminded that "BachelorNation" loves some contestants and hates others, and this season we were even given a contestant who called himself a "Bachelor Superfan" rather than listing an occupation. Here, we're shown that The Bachelorette is so important and popular, that it's a topic in various gossip magazines.

If the magazine was intentionally given to the castmembers to create drama, it wouldn't be the first time the people making this show interfered with the "reality," then acted like it was done by some sort of invisible hand. It wouldn't even be the first time this episode. After a cliffhanger two weeks ago, Chad -- the one who was a maniacal contestant on this show, not JoJo's ex-boyfriend (although I guess he's technically her ex-boyfriend also? Weird) returns to his ex-castmates' hotel to confront his enemies after he was eliminated from the show.

If the people making the show didn't want this to happen, it never would've happened. Chad was dumped by JoJo on a hike in the middle of the woods. Next, we were shown Chad walking through the woods, whistling, then showing up at the doorstep of the hotel. For him to get from the woods, where a helicopter dropped him off, to the hotel, one of two things happened: Chad had used his recollection, the moss growing on the north side of trees, and the flow of various rivers to retrace the helicopter's path back to the hotel, or the people making the show guided him back so he could have a dramatic moment. I'd guess it was the latter option, but the show makes it seem as if a revenge-bent Chad whistled his way through the woods on a mission.

Now let's return to the other Chad. (JoJo, you've got too many Chads in your life.)

Remember that this is not the first time this Ex-Chad has found his way into the show's existence. Ex-Chad had previously wooed JoJo by leaving a note and a bouquet of roses for her as she arrived home for her hometown date on Ben's season of The Bachelor, just minutes before she was supposed to go on a date with Ben. This, too, launched her into tears when she JUST WANTED TO BE HAPPY and caused her to have an emotional conversation with her television man about how the past was in the past and she truly did want to be with him/them. Again, it seems like there was some intervention. How could Ex-Chad have known the exact time JoJo was returning home with an ABC camera crew? It seems like the type of thing that would've had to have been done with the help of somebody running the show, who wouldn't mind too much if JoJo happened to have an extremely emotional breakdown on camera.

The upshot of the magazine article is that everybody sits around and wonders whether JoJo is HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS or just choosing to be The Bachelorette so she can be a famous TV person. I've never met JoJo, so I don't know.

But I do know that the people in charge of The Bachelorette have a much higher vested interest in making an entertaining television show and convincing us the entire world cares about it than they do in setting up JoJo for a successful longterm relationship. Otherwise, they wouldn't keep selectively allowing her ex-boyfriend to interfere with her relationships with her potential new boyfriends. More than any Bachelor or Bachelorette, the show's producers are here for the wrong reasons. And that's 100 percent fine -- it makes for great TV.

FYI In Touch has an article about The Bachelorette's episode about In Touch's article about The Bachelorette, which is META AS HELL. If anybody on The Bachelorette is reading this and wants to somehow include my recaps in a plotline one time, let's work together.

THE BACHELORETTE POWER RANKINGS, EPISODE 5

(Remember, these aren't power rankings of who will win, but rather power rankings of who will actually win by getting invited onto further Bachelor-related TV shows and therefore continue living in a semi-vacation with free booze and appear on TV often enough to get enough Instagram followers that you can make side money hawking shirts and beauty products.)

1. Chad

Yes, Chad is gone. But a teaser in the middle of the episode told us that Chad will be on the upcoming season of Bachelor In Paradise. And after Monday night's episode, Chad appeared on Jimmy Kimmel, where he said he thought his appearance on The Bachelor was helping his luxury realty business.

Chad's up to 100,000 Instagram followers, putting him ahead of all the other contestants except for ex-NFL QB Jordan. Monday he posted a picture of himself making out with the ex-girlfriend of fellow contestant Robby, and then posted a video of himself dancing shirtless with a bunch of dollar bills which has already been watched 113,000 times. When I google search "Chad Johnson," the top results all go straight to Chad, and not the 6-time Pro Bowl wide receiver of the same name (who also once had a reality dating show on VH1.)

Chad may be done with The Bachelorette, but by my standards, he's the hands-down winner. Congrats to Chad on his resounding victory.

2. Daniel

With Chad gone, Daniel was soon to follow. He left by saying that everybody else had a trash body, that nobody was on his level, and that JoJo clearly didn't care about looks:

Man, I'm gonna miss this dude. First he gave us The Mussolini Conversation. He left by saying he had a better chance of "getting struck by lighting while... you know... shaving my face" than winning The Bachelorette. I just wanna listen to this dude talk.

3. Wells

Wells organized a funeral for Chad by throwing his protein powder to the breeze:

This dude is great, and I'm kinda surprised Chad left his protein powder.

4. Jordan

A lot of the talk in this episode was about how Jordan was not HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. Like I've already said: There is precedent for mediocre QB's who couldn't quite hang on in the NFL or CFL turning a stint on The Bachelor into a professional job on ABC's family of networks talking about sports. Go get it, Jordan.

5. James Taylor

James comments that his mother, a geography teacher, told him that Uruguay and Paraguay are nearby. Kinda! They're separated by a bit of Brazil and Argentina. I think maybe you're just lumping the Guays together. Hey, next week's episode is in Buenos Aires -- did your mom tell you where that is? Let me tell you, The Bachelor is sending you guys on quite the extensive South American vacation.

You're basically seeing the entire continent.

6. Luke

I'm just now realizing that Luke is one of three veterans and two country singers on this show. How'd he get "War Veteran" as his job title?

7. Chase

I can't think of anything to say about Chase, so instead I'd like to chastise the person who said that the group's hotel room had a 360-degree view of the ocean. If you have a 360 degree view of the ocean, you're inside the ocean.

8. Derek

Derek pulls aside some other guys on the show to tell them they're acting like a high school clique. Which is sorta clique-y, if you ask me.

9. Alex

Alex, who last week was the leader of the anti-Chad club, criticizing Chad for his lack of respect for fellow castmembers and general persuasion towards calling other people bitches, has now taken to disrespecting his fellow castmembers and now seems to have a general persuasion towards calling other people bitches. He has usurped the douche throne. Look, there's hypocrisy present on this show, is my point.

10. Vinny

Vinny wept after being eliminated. Dude, you didn't even get a 1-on-1 date with the girl! Anyway, Vinny is gone, and now that we know he was the one keeping everybody's hair fresh, we can expect everybody's follicular game to get crazy unruly over the next few weeks. Jordan's gonna have a mullet soon.

11. Grant

With Grant's departure, we're just down to eight white dudes. I'd love to talk about something besides the race of eliminated non-white characters, but they really don't even let them talk a lot!

12. James F.

There were a whopping six guys eliminated on this episode, including James. Now we're down to the final eight, and all of them are pretty interesting! So this might be the last time I have nothing to say about a dude.

13. Robby

JoJo is playing with a stray beach puppy when Robby walks up, leading her to tell us how much she loves dogs.

Robby then walks up and proceeds to not play with the beach puppy. If it was me, this date would've started with me yelling HEY COME HERE I'M PLAYING WITH A BEACH PUPPY and anything besides YES YES YES BEACH PUPPY DATE would be a complete deal-breaker.

Anyway, Robby becomes the first person to say that he loves JoJo, to which she responds with a resounding THANK YOU.

I know JoJo isn't allowed to tell Robby she loves him back, but, man. "I love you" to "Thank you" is such a stone-cold reply that they literally joke about it in sitcoms:

Anyway, like Ross before him, Robby seems awful and unworthy of requited love. Tousle a damn puppy head if you want her to say anything nice in return.

14. Evan

I genuinely don't think I've ever disliked a Bachelor or Bachelorette contestant more, and I think it's just entirely because I didn't like the guy's face. It's not like he's the world's ugliest dude -- he just had a horrible face that I did not like. Ted Cruz battled this problem to 2nd in the Republican nomination cycle, but alas, politics are only kinda about what you look like, whereas The Bachelorette is entirely about what you look like, and therefore Evan only cracked the top 11.

I finally got to read Evan's tat this week:

"Ani l'dodi" means "I am my beloved's" in Hebrew. I found this out after googling it, primarily because David and Victoria Beckham have this phrase tattooed on them as well. Except they did it in actual Hebrew, and Evan half-assed it.

I think it's a very bad idea to get relationship tattoos, because the tattoo will be on your body forever, and, well, your significant other might not be on your body forever. I suspect this explains Evan's tattoo, as after all, he's divorced. But if you're going to do it, don't get a relationship tattoo that is already someone else's relationship tattoo. That's just implying that your love is a rip-off version of a better, prettier couple's love.

If you're going to get a more famous person's tattoo to signify your relationship, there's only one choice: Get an ice cream cone tattooed on your faces like Gucci Mane did. It signifies that your love is sweet, and plus it ensures that you'll stay together forever because both of you will be too afraid to test the dating scene with a freakin' ice cream cone tattooed on your face.