Football transfer rumours: Chelsea hold talks with Lionel Messi?

Barcelona soccer player Lionel Messi arrives at a court in Barcelona.

TRIGGER WARNING: Be aware that if you’re a Sheffield United fan, the following paragraphs might contain some upsetting information that will dredge up bad memories from the past. You might feel sweaty, nervous, your breathing might become more difficult, you may experience flashbacks. Please, if you are of a delicate constitution, then take great care in reading on.

The long and the short of it is this: West Ham want Carlos Tevez back. They’re trying to get the old band back together, that old freewheelin’ group of heroes who narrowly avoided relegation on the last day of the 2006-07 season, and they want Tevez on lead guitar. The one slight snag in proceedings is the cash.

Where indeed. Should they draw that line, then a move for Milan’s Carlos Bacca or, interestingly, a spot of hijacking on Christian Benteke’s proposed move to Crystal Palace might be the way West Ham go. One might ask the same question of Manchester United. Word is that they want Paul Pogba so very badly that they are very well prepared to pay huge, massive, colossal dollops of wonga – to be more precise, £100m. Yabba dabba doo. £100m! The weird thing about transfer fees is we long passed the point where we should be surprised at what players cost, it essentially doesn’t matter how much they cost (as long as the club in question has the money and it didn’t come from nefarious sources), and yet – £100m! For one man! In years to come maybe people will be laughing at this the way we chuckle when hearing the quaint protests at Alf Common’s £1,000 pricetag … but £100m. Snakes alive.“We tried to get Tevez but he wanted £250,000 a week,” David Sullivan is quoted as saying in the Daily Mirror. “In his last year at Juventus he was great. But 250 grand a week? All this business ‘I love West Ham.’ Well, it’s ‘I love West Ham if they give me 250 grand a week.’ So how much love is that for West Ham? I actually offered him 150 grand a week to come back plus bonuses… He was a fantastic player. But where do you draw the line with what you are prepared to pay?”

And one would think it will take rather more than that to sign Leo Messi, but according to the ol’ Currant Bun, Chelsea are investigating just that possibility. Apparently Roman Abramovich has been wining and dining Messi’s agent (his dad) on his ‘superyacht’ (we’ve seen the pictures – it is indeed quite super), at this stage seemingly feeling things out to get first dibs on Messi should he ever wish to leave Barcelona. It’s probably not a coincidence that this news emerges the day after Messi was sentenced to 21 months in jail, which he won’t actually serve inside, but there’s no such thing as a bad time to secure a little leverage for any future new contract talks. At a rather different end of the scale, apparentlyEmanuele Giaccherini fancies joining Antonio Conte at the Bridge. Sure.

Meanwhile, Manchester City are also counting out the pennies. Word is that Pep Guardiola fancies adding some meat and class to his midfield, and has set aside £60m to pay for Toni Kroos. They might have to find another £50m if they wantJohn Stones, but they can do that safe in the knowledge that John Stones wants them, according to the word on the street/the Daily Mail.

Speaking of City, a couple of things you might have missed from your super soaraway Guardian today: Pep’s boys are also looking at a £51m bid for Juventus defender Leonardo Bonucci, but the Italians aren’t minded to sell. Elsewhere in these parts, Liverpool are set to offer Jürgen Klopp a new contract for reasons unclear, Middlesbrough are set to sign Victor Valdés but aren’t quite so keen on Robin van Persie, while Spurs haven’t made a new offer for AZ striker Vincent Janssen.

As related in previous Rumour Mills, Tottenham are after Gini Wijnaldum, but have been told in no uncertain terms by Newcastle they’ll have to stump up £25m. Not quite as dear is Jordon Ibe, but Bournemouth are still putting up a supposed £15m for the Liverpool winger. Joe Allen could be another one leaving Anfield, with Sevilla keen on the Welsh Xa...actually, no, he’s probably quite upset this morning, let’s not take the mick now. Leon Osman is a free agent – that one had passed the Mill by, but not Leeds, ear to the ground like the faithful transfer dogs they are, who are keen on signing the 35-year-old. 35! How did Leon Osman get to be 35? They grow up so fast.

And that’s your lot. Unless you’re fussed about Kieran Richardson signing for Birmingham on a free. Are you?